I need me a sponsor

U.S Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner

Have you ever looked at a handbag in a boutique shop and saw the 8,500 Ksh price tag and you feel your jeans pocket to realize you only have 100bob to take you home to Donholmn and thought ‘I need me a sponsor’…I have. More than once. Sad isn’t it? You want to afford all the luxuries that come with living in Nairobi but you look at your jobless self and you figure that is a real dream that has a very low probability of happening. In this era where even the men have become stingy and would rather spend their cash on buying 60 inch Samsung flat screens, the latest Sony surround system or gaming consoles than to give you 1000 bob to buy credit. I should probably have said 100 bob credit, 1000 bob is pushing the limit. I still believe the man’s role is to provide for the woman which I’ll probably be lynched for by the same men that think splitting the bill on a date is a sign of evolving into the millennial age.

I can recite all the verses that show that it is the man who is to provide for the woman but I will be wasting my breath since no one really wants to be told the truth. It is better to swallow sugar coated pills than accept the fact that everything was made for a certain purpose and once that purpose is misused then abuse is inevitable. So what is a girl to do when the men her age in her life have refused for the life in them to give her some basic needs like money for her 10,000Ksh human hair weave, 15,000 Ksh for her new wardrobe collection, 5,000Ksh for her new handbag from Zara store among other necessary needs that she may have? Of course find herself a sponsor. Or be a socialite. Either way you will need to have someone who will provide all the luxuries that you so richly deserve. So why would a girl want a sponsor I thought and here are some valid reasons, don’t ask where I got them.

Having a sponsor gives you the stability and commitment that you might not get from your average Joe beau. The sponsor is usually in his late forties or fifty’s and beyond, so he has clichéd seen it all. He is no longer in the rat race, he has amassed the wealth he wanted whether legally or not, the money is his. Since he is probably married, the children are all grown up and are independent so he has no worries about providing anymore. All that money just sitting in those accounts, it is never one, waiting for you to activate that pin number and live the life of a diva. Your guy on the other hand will tell you how he has this investment and that, which loan he is servicing or house that he is building, not that they are not important but you should at least form part of that investment scheme he is working on. Right?

Most guys are commitment phobic, always having excuses why they cannot fully be with you, the excuses come in like rain, I’m not over my ex, my baby mama is stressing me, my boss is demanding…blah blah blah…Your sponsor on the other hand, does not have time to complain about anything, all he will want is your attention, everything else will be taken care of. He will be committed to you as long as you are committed to him. What I would like to call, Win! Win!

A sponsor is confident; in himself, his wealth, his ability to charm the pants out of you, his physical appearance. I mean he has made it, what else is there to stop him from getting whatever he fancies? If he wants you, he will get YOU! No arguing, he knows he doesn’t need to waste his time devising tired pickup lines or even try to smile, soon as the platinum credit card falls on the table filled with Gold Label whisky, you WILL show up and literally beg to sit on his lap. He is never afraid of rejection, he aint got time for that. You can never buy such confidence. Plastic money gives you that.

With all the daddy issues going around, having a sponsor will help you work them out without having to deal with them. Why do you think he likes to call you ‘baby’ he knows you either did not have a father who dotted on you spoiling you rotten or you had a father who dotted on you and spoilt you rotten. Either way he will spoil you rotten and treat you like the baby you were never treated or the baby you were used to being treated. You will be stroking his midlife crisis ego while he will be massaging your fragile ego. Your sponsor gives you the support, security and protection that you might or might not have experienced with your biological father. Again what I call, Win! Win!

Having a sponsor guarantees that you get to drive, live, eat, travel to, buy many of the stuff that you might not have access to. Living the life! Don’t we all want that? A relationship with a sponsor is comforting because the man is refined in more ways than one. He has made his mistakes, learnt to fix them and knows what works for him. It is never a guessing game ati I don’t know what I want from this. You are either in or out. Plus he is more experienced on how to treat a woman like the jewel she is…can I get an -oh yeah! No? He knows exactly what he wants and therefore makes better decisions because of that.

You always feel like there really is no room for high school like drama, he has his expectations which you know, he knows your needs, so you just flawlessly work. It really is a reflection of strength and power on his part because he makes better decisions. Your average Joe may be having a hard time deciding where to take you because he has to put together a budget, consider this or that but your Mr. Sponsor will just call you and say,

‘I have sent Uber to pick you up at eight, meet me at JKIA, we’ll be leaving for Bolivia for the weekend’

You’ll be like

‘But I haven’t parked anything,’

He’ll yell, yell at you

‘Do I have to remind you, there are malls in Bolivia?’

You’ll say

‘Sorry babe, I’ll be ready’

8:30 you are headed to Bolivia sheepishly smiling at him, knowing you do not even know where the hell Bolivia is on the map. You’ve never even heard of it, until now.

Maybe if you are lucky you land on a sponsor that is not married and you get to be the lucky last woman that he decides to make his only one, you know, do right by you. Yeeeeah, what are the chances of that happening? Snow is more likely to fall in Nairobi than that happening, let’s be real, a sponsor is just that, a sponsor. Even Wikipedia says so

‘To sponsor something is to support an event, activity, person, or organization financially or through the provision of products or services.’

‘A sponsor is the individual or group that provides the support’

‘While the sponsoree (property being sponsored) may be nonprofit, unlike philanthropy, sponsorship is done with the expectation of a commercial return’

So you as the sponsoree are just like an investment and with all investments once the returns have been received, a much better investment plan is hatched, newer, more promising in this case younger, prettier, and blonder even…

Now that is the negative side of having a sponsor, if you are willing to not put your heart on your sleeves and not catch ‘ma feelings’ then your sponsor-sponsoree relationship will go for the long haul. Never make a mistake of falling in love with your sponsor, he will ditch you like an Ebola virus. The whole point of being a sponsor is so that he does not have to form attachments or relationships that require hard work, he aint got time for that. Drown your emotions in the bowels of forgotten if you plan on keeping your sponsor happy and in return you yourself happy.

Bottom line is I’m not getting a sponsor, or am I?  Hmmmm I’ll just sponsor my broke ass till money decides it has stopped being mean to me. Shit gets real people, it gets real.

Live in Burgundy Moments



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