We all have those haunting moments where you are looking at life in your own mind especially when you are seated or lying down by yourself, just thinking. Moments like this are when something has happened and you are reflecting on the day’s events. In your mind you remember something and are like ‘did that happen or did I imagine it?’ this is especially true with relationships. The romantic kind that is. No matter how hot headed or stubborn you are, there will always be that time where it is just you and your thoughts, you and your regrets, you and your wishes, you and your dreams, you and your fantasies, even you and your pissed off self. You cannot escape from having thoughts, they will nibble and bite at your brain until you are like WTF? Why am I thinking so hard? For no reason? Seriously? Escape. You cannot.
I don’t know why the most thoughts that haunt you are those of regrets. I could have done so much better. I could have said so much more. I could have eaten less. I could have loved better. I could have lied better. I should not have lied. I should not have fought this hard for that undeserving son of a gun. I could have said goodbye. I may have been silent that time. I could have broken it better. I might have spoken a little too harsh. Maybe I judged too soon. I could have…I should have…I may have…it all never ends and never gets better.
When you end relationships, you always think to yourself;
‘I did right ending it, didn’t it?’
Two breaths later
You are never sure then, you suppress all urges to call him and tell him you are sorry, you didn’t mean it, you want him back, forgetting you broke it off because of a valid reason. Sometimes you give in and call, but then you remember why you ended it and cut the call and scold yourself for being so weak.
‘You are not doing this, silly’
You reprimand yourself though not convincingly. Relationships are hard, being alone is sometimes even harder. Memories of the tender times keep you awake at night, haunt you even, and that is why we have rebound relationships. No matter how dysfunctional, rebound relationships are there for a reason; to comfort you when you cannot handle being alone, when you miss being spoilt with words and things, especially things. No one likes not having things, especially when those things make you feel special and wanted and needed and appreciated and chosen and happy, especially happy. Rebound relationships make sense. They are necessary even though most are just for the wrong reasons. You cannot get over a breakup cold turkey, you need to wean yourself off that attachment albeit unhealthy attachment.
‘I’m so over that guy!’
Your mind tells you loud with blinking orange, blue and green NEON lights, yet your heart is snickering right in your face telling you ‘Who are you kidding!’ without any neon lights. Heart matters are seriously hard to explain. No matter how bad the relationship was, you will not stop thinking about that person, after all, you had your great moments together. You were happy at some point, you were blissful even. That is why even when you walk away, one eye will always be looking back hoping that they call you back. Why isn’t life like in the movies where they walk away and there is the guy chasing the chic in slow motion calling out their name…maybe I should go live in Holly Wood, it wouldn’t hurt acting as Micheal Ealy’s love interest. The validity of that dream just went down a horrible, horrible, horrible drain. Oh Lupita, some dreams aren’t so valid after all. Or are they?
When I ended my relationship I found myself thinking loud whether it was really the best decision. Questions, questions, questions, it always comes to that. That feeling of maybe you did not do the right thing keeps creeping on you like a pimple. I keep listing all the reasons why it was the right thing to do…maybe six or seven yet I cannot fully convince myself because of one reason that makes all the others null and void. Try as I might that one reason keeps nagging me with no mercy. It was a perfect relationship, as perfect as any relationship can be, you know the I-get-giraffes-running-around-my-belly-kind-of-explanation. It doesn’t help that he was, still is totally hot in a boyish-rugged-stub-on-the-chin kind of hotness. Writing this gives me the creeps and there are those Giraffes waking up in my belly and places they shouldn’t be. See what breakups do to you, you are always left with permanently imprinted memories.
I hate to admit it but I am kind of trolling him on the internet, I unfriended him, stopped following him, deleted him from my pages he was on, left his page, deleted his contact on my phone, all in an effort to get over and forget him. Do you ever forget him? No matter how much you delete the physical, everything is stuck in your head…thank God I hadn’t memorized his contact since it was a new relationship. Contact or not I still remember all his social media accounts so every now and then…why don’t we just stick with every now…I check him out, what has he been up to?
Especially New Bae?
Always New Bae, you always want to know who he has replaced you with so you can bitch how not so hot your replacement is. I mean look at how that jeans makes her look, her hair isn’t even real, and gosh where does she buy her backdated shoes? We all have a mean girl monster waiting to be unraveled and be all crazy shit on her…just admit it.
I feel silly yet I’m addicted to knowing if he’s even still thinking about me, at all. If he ended it then it wouldn’t pinch if he was with someone else, but if you did the leaving then every time you see him with another chic, you imagine maybe you did a mistake to leave such a catch. Maybe you could have stayed a little longer? The worst part of this whole thing is that he didn’t do anything wrong, neither did I, but you always know when both of you want different things in a relationship, when you are at different levels, you want to move on yet he is unsure of what he wants. I’m at a point in my life where I know what I want and where I want to be at a certain stage, I cannot waste time knowing there is no future for us. Gone are the days of playing hard to get and pretending to be uninterested just to see how far he will chase you. We are both adults; you like me, I like you, so we date. End of story. Let’s see how this thing goes is just a ridiculous statement meaning that you are still on the lookout for something better so you do not want to tie yourself down, you know, just in case. I would rather date for a week fully committed to the relationship even if it does not work out than be dragged along for months hoping that he will realize he has a good thing going…I am a good thing, aren’t I? We all need validating sometimes, if not always.
So here I am stalking him. On the World Wide Web. The Behavioral Analysis Unit of Criminal Minds should profile me as a psychological female with lingering emotions of missing their target’s embrace and all other goodies. I seriously need to stop, to be fair I have not been categorized as obsessive. Yet. It’s not simple to quit something cold turkey, love is worse than nicotine, your chosen obsession is always your own personal brand of Meth. Withdrawals symptoms always make you that much crazier.
It doesn’t help that he’s in the arts and music category. Why are people in the entertainment business so darn HOT! I almost had my Kenyan fairy tale; he was the struggling artist, I the devoted number one groupie, he made it, now we get to travel the counties maybe even the world, watching him perform, make lotsa money, live the life of a spoiled bae, etcetera, etcetera…like I said, the validity of that dream just went down a horrible, horrible, horrible drain full of tired memories.
I get it, we don’t always get everything we want, life is not wired that way, but why Oh why can’t it give you even one thing that you want? Just one thing. That your own personal brand of addiction. So I’m looking at him, his Instagram page anyway and thinking, ‘he could totally have been mine’
Live in Burgundy Moments