A mother’s day without you Mother

I’m sure you’re wondering what’s with this mother’s day card. I meant to post it yesterday but I was so tired plus I wasn’t really feeling all writty (if that’s even a word) anyway so here is the story. So yesterday was mother’s day and we were going to check out some furniture for the house at the village. There we were entering Nakumatt Mega at around 3pm. Walking into the shop someone commented something about why I would dress so well yet put on canvas shoes (rubbers). I don’t know why that got to me but I got mad because I mean my style is my style and I can dress the way I want. It wasn’t just that but all other times that person has commented about my dressing a different day so you know how one memory always strings along another or others. For a split second I just thought ‘why did I even come for this shopping? I wish I could just disappear’. Maybe it was because I had been a bit moody, PMS and all but I was kinda pissed.
I shuffled into the supermarket all dull complaining thoughts running in my head. It was mother’s day so there were a lot of promotions going on. As soon as we entered inside Nakumatt, there was this lady right at the entrance handing free samples. I was just walking in when I felt a tag on my hand.
‘Happy Mother’s Day,’ she said
And shoved something towards me. The first angry thought that came to mind was ‘what’s so good about today?’ I thought it was one of those promotions where you are asked to sample something and give your opinions about a product. I turned to her then started walking away. I wasn’t in the mood to smile or even stand sampling ridiculous stuff! Still mad here.
‘We are giving gifts for Mother’s Day to say thank you’ I heard her say
I turned back. Who doesn’t want free gifts? I was just a few steps ahead, anyway. What she was shoving to me was two Packets of Biscuits and a card. When I got to her and took the gifts from her I just held it on my chest like it would disappear. At that moment the full realization just hit me. It was MOTHER’S DAY. Mom! You are not here with me.
This is the 9th Mothers’ Day that I am having without mom. That thought just sank in my heart as in an instant memories came flooding in. With all those promotions, giveaways, competitions, products and even news all filling the pace about Mothers’ Day, it hadn’t still registered what that all meant. Until I was holding those gifts for Mother’s Day. At that moment with all that was going on in the supermarket, shoppers everywhere, till screaming their heads off, as the shoppers paid, it felt like I was the only one standing in the midst of it all. You know like in the movies where everything becomes blurry and a person or two people are the only ones in that moment. Though mine wasn’t quite dramatic as that but if felt…lonely.
‘Happy Mother’s Day mom,’ I whispered eyes closed for a second.
No one ever tells you that moments like this will always catch you off guard. I never planned to get or feel any emotions about missing Mom, but I was. I felt the full blow of a special day for Mothers. After the pain then comes the regret that I should have done more, I should have told her I loved her, I should have had more Mother’s Days to celebrate with her, those that passed I should have given her everything that she deserved and more. I know we are always told never to question God especially when you lose a loved one, yet I wanted to ask, well maybe blame the whole unfairness of the whole situation.
9 Mothers’ Days gone, how did time lose me so fast. The beginning and the rest of the year somehow you learn to keep yourself busy with work and all that to keep you sane when sad thoughts come to mind. But how are you supposed to get through just one single day that is dedicated to all things Mothers without going insane with thoughts, feelings, wishes, prayers that you could have just had one more day with her, then tell her everything you wanted to say from your heart. There are moments like yesterday when that person got me mad that I would have wanted to go to mum and ‘staki’ (tell on that person to her)that I had been hurt and she would tell me not to mind that person and that she loved me. You know make everything okay and make me forget that anything happened. As old as I am I’ m sure she would have given me money to go buy myself something to make myself feel better. Mother always spoiled me like that, you get used to something so much that you don’t realize that one day it might be gone and no one can treat you the same way that your mother did or does.
I miss mother. So much. Yesterday I realized I hadn’t been thinking about her so much but she always popped in my mind, even dreams at times. It is never like in the movies where a loved one comes to your dreams and talks to you to calm you down or even comfort you. I would probably freak out if that happened. Plus in our African cultures it is taboo if a dead person speaks to you in your dreams, it is said that if they speak they are usually calling you to your grave and you would probably die. Am thinking it just that there are moments especially when I am sad that I think a lot about Mom, so she is in my subconscious mind and I catch glimpses of her in my dreams. She never talks. In my dreams.
Before Mom died, the whole concept of Mother’s Day wasn’t really all that in your face kind of promotions thing that takes over a single day. As the years passed I guess after she passed is when I realized how important it is to always celebrate her every day. Days just seemed to pass by without notice and loneliness would creep in sometimes thinking of moments, her laughter, her kindness…she complained I was too kind, guess where that kindness comes from…her brevity especially when she was sick, I miss all that, even her scolding. I will never have that again. I always looked forward to holidays especially Christmas because we went all out in decorating the house, cooking and enjoying counting down the New Year together with watu wa plot (neighbors) outside the building and waiting to watch the amazing display of fireworks from KICC building in town.
Mothers should be celebrated every single second of life because they are the very breath that makes us exist and alive. They are the strength that carries us in the midst of trouble making it easier to navigate the murky waters of life. Given the chance I would never go a day without telling my mother that I loved her. I’ m sure she knows and knew that but it would have been so much better and meaningful if I told her in person.
I’m happy I have women in my life who have been there for me from that horrible day and I am always grateful that Mom did not leave me alone. I sleep at night knowing that she would have been proud of me no matter what. That the girl she brought up is trying to become the best woman she can be. It’s hard but taking a day at a time makes it easier for me to deal with moments of weakness. Each day is different so I just try to give it my best shot and try not to fall apart completely. I hope to be half the woman that Mom was so that my children will be proud of me as I am and will always be proud of Mama. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY mom and to all the women in the world who make it their life’s mission to protect, love, provide and discipline their children so they become better members of the society.
I salute all MOTHERS.
Live in Burgundy Moments


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