4.50pm Monday 18th May 2014 Well, I’m officially this old! It’s crazy saying it. I feel like am stuck again. Half the year gone and I’m still single. I hear stories of oh my guy cooked this for me, my guy does this and am like when will I have that? When will I have someone just for me? Someone who will hold me and never let me go? Why won’t someone love me? Make me his won? Am so scared of another year passing me by with no one by my side to help me love. Am tired of this sadness that keeps hovering around me causing all this loneliness. Am this old when did life begin to be stagnant like this? When did the rain start beating me down? Causing all these chaotic emotions. Love seems like an elusive cloud that’s slowly seeping away from me. People are mean! And am done being nice always making others happy and they don’t give it back in return. I have given up too much yet got nothing out of too many things, cried for things that didn’t even matter…and all for what? For NOTHING! Am just me…just me…this world owes me nothing.
I complain about being single and this is what I get…two months later…
4.39pm Saturday July 2015 Am I really kidding myself sitting here? Seriously he doesn’t know what to tell his supposed sister who I am. He’s all freaked out and confused about explaining me to his sister. Red flags anyone? Am kind of glad. Coz now I don’t have to siesta with him and I’ll drag it out as long as I can. Am I stupid? Ama do I just bring problems to myself? I have to get out of this cycle, really. Seriously what’s up M? What is really wrong with me? Every time I come here it’s like my emotions are deadened, thrown out the window like I’m in slow motion…or DEAD.
I need to be hit on the head! I almost got laid…what’s happening to me? He’s probably lying to me I always feel like I have this nagging feeling I can’t trust him but once he touches me I just give in. I literally felt him so yeah for that…I turn him on but it could be that he’s just horny how disturbing. Sasa ameenda wapi (where has he gone now?) Clearly trying to find a way to distract the sis. I just need to go home NOW! I should really go home kabisa (for good) and never look back, how he can leave me ati amepiga story all that time. Do I look like a fool really? Am so done with this it’s ridiculous. Executing my resolve is the issue here. I keep being drawn into this effing shit! He hasn’t even saved me in his phone but his supposed sister has been saved claiming ati tuko kwa relationship (that we are in a relationship)…which guy introduces you to a friend as rafiki yangu? (My friend) I have all the signs yet my ass is still sitting down, I think this is it, everything I need to know bout this f@#%n situation, football is more interesting than me…what more sign do I want? Am so done with this guy like you wouldn’t believe, I thought I was missing something but I’m not.
It’s time to start my new life…build new relationships, create a new world that’s just for me. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and be strong enough to realize that I’ll be okay. Times have changed a lot, so I need to change too.
I should probably remain single until I get someone who deserves me…
Live in Burgundy Moments