23/12/09 I think I am going to be fine. Coming here was the best decision I ever made. I know I needed this. I feel relieved. I have new meaning to life. I’m learning to let go. It’s been a long journey of a lot of pain, regrets and even depression but I am coming out of it. It always felt like my chest was carrying a heavy rock that kept grinding on without mercy. I just feel like I needed to see her resting place so that I can have a bit of letting go. Starting over has been harder than I thought but it gets better. I want to be better. Standing here at her graveside is scary because it reminds of the reality I need to face. She is gone. But her memories are still intact.
I know I should concentrate on my studies but it has been hard and exhausting, trying to move on. She would have been proud of me that I am now at University trying to get a better future. But there are moments where I felt like, why was I doing this? Who am I doing this for because at the end of the day, she will not see me graduate. It was hard so I needed this break to come back to the village and center myself. Find me if you will.
Now, seeing how people are excited about education here up country has injected a new zest into my system. I want to learn, to make me proud but more so to make them proud and have them have something to look forward to something better. I have been sad, angry, resentful, teary and just depressed most days, now I know I will be fine, I’ll be happy again…for real this time, no pretenses. I will laugh again. I’m going to learn. Read and study hard start my life over. I need to stop being afraid to try because I’ll fail or I will get a no for an answer.
You know I could always be a baby if I wanted to. I always knew that she would be there no matter what. I depended on her, she on me. We were each other’s worlds. I could stand knowing she will be there to go home to. Now she’s gone, I felt unbalanced, like something had been cut off, no wall to lean on. I felt all alone and lost. Suddenly she wasn’t there anymore and I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. Honestly my life lost meaning, I was just floating around in an uncertain bubble, and it was all surreal, impossible even.
Seeing her resting place, after two years, made it all fall back and became real.
Now I have finally accepted that she’s gone. Life has to move on. I know she wouldn’t want to see me sad so I have decided to be happy. My life starts again…without her. I should be stronger. I have taken care of everyone else and sacrificed enough now it’s my turn to take care of myself and let somebody else take care of me. I have to go back to God. He’s always been someone I can count on and I love Him, plus I need Him more than ever in this journey. I am smiling again.
Facing reality at her grave has given me a sense of purpose, I know I will make it from here on. Everyday has been a struggle, to get up in the morning without her presence, her kind words, her discipline and even advice has been nerve wracking, yet I do it every day. I do it so that I don’t sink into a deep hole I will not be able to come out of. It all works out in the end, I hear someone say, at the moment maybe I don’t believe it entirely but I know that day will come when remembering her will not pain anymore. It will be better.
Live in Burgundy Moments