Dear Diary: Feeling a little worn out

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18/07/09 I ain’t doing too well. I feel like am staring into an open space or plunging downwards at a high speed. I am drowning into my own misery. I need to be with someone, anyone. I know I said I can’t be with anyone if I don’t love them but the people I love don’t seem to love me back. I need to start over and be my own person. Try and be happy. Maybe being with M ain’t a bad thing. Maybe I should give him a chance you know; you never know things could be great. Great romances don’t have to be perfect.
They just have to begin and the rest will be followed. It’s hard I know but I gotta try instead of just dismissing it all. There’s no use being lonely when someone is willing to give it their all just to be with you. Life is crazy sometimes. I don’t know but do I have a right to be picky in choosing who I want to be with? Is it okay for me to just dismiss people without giving them a chance? If life is really that short shouldn’t I at least try to live it to the max? I don’t want to end up into one of those 40 something unmarried women who end up becoming cougars. I want a life, a young life. I want to have kids when I can run around with them and even become an understanding parent. I want to understand what it is that makes them who they are when they become adults. It’s not too much to ask is it?

I want this cold to bite me until I can freeze all my emotions. I really don’t want to feel anything. I want to be frozen in time, this moment to never end as I figure out what I am going to do with my life. My past, my present and my future. I have so much pegged on this job offer that I am just afraid to imagine what would happen if it did not work out. I’m scared of letting go of all the dreams I have imagined as a result of that job. I want so much, not just for me but for so many people. I need to feel validated and getting that job will prove that I am worth something. Crazy as it may sound, I’ve lost my self-esteem which has been replaced by fear, anxiety, unsureness and just lack of trust and faith in me. Grieving does that to you sometimes.
I used to be somewhat happy now I feel nothing. Unhappiness is all I experience which clouds every thought of being happy. It doesn’t go without saying that I am lost. I don’t know where I am, I’m just groping in the dark hoping not to hit my head hard into a coma. Somehow it’s like am this zombie that keeps wondering around trying to find home. Then there’s this part of me that doesn’t even know where home is anymore. Not really a physical home but emotionally I don’t know where am at.
What happened to the confident me, that laughed a lot and wasn’t afraid to just be? Now am afraid of even being alone. I just feel these peering, jabbing eyes at the back of my neck just waiting to pounce on me and pull me into nothingness. Cold, just keep coming, turn me into a piece of ice so that I become numb. I am tired of worrying about everything and everyone. I need me time. Time out! I need to choose me. I’d take a broken down, faceless, non-emotional me anytime over anyone else.
I know I have scars and all but I need to love me first. No one will be there with me when I stand alone in loneliness so I need to figure out what and who I want. Fantasies won’t always come true heck, almost none of them ever do so instead of living in unreal places and situations I need to go with now. Create my own future fortune, establish my own happiness.

Because if I don’t no one else will and that is 100% guarantee. I won’t force people to love me, it’s their loss and I won’t wait around for them to realize their feelings for me.

I know I sometimes feel like wasting away but hope is there and God is there too. I have practically begged Him to take me away from all the misery I drown into and I know if it wasn’t for the great love He has for me and the great plan He has for me, He would have. I’ m not sure why am still hanging around but He knows. I need to look at life in a different light. Ever since she died I feel like I am alone in this bad world. Most days I miss her so much it practically claws at my heart. I know I say I have cried enough but I know that’s a lie. I’ll never cry enough. My tears will never end; they’ll only reduce and become manageable. It’s a whole different world out there and sometimes it feels like am stuck in my own dark cocoon wanting to remain in that fetal position.
Given a choice I would remain like that forever. Things will never be the same I know that for a fact. Every thing’s gone and it ain’t coming back so I should just suck it up and refrain from bursting into noncollectable millions of molecules. It’s a piece of gem, love, that little thing and I need to find it first within me then without. It’s easier for the without part and harder to start loving the within. Maybe I should start seeing some color in my life, not just the black and white I am used to.
It’s been a roller coaster ride in my life now I just need someone who will stand still with me. When everything else is whirling past, nothing is stable, everything around me is falling apart, and I need that person to be my firm standing point. When I get dizzy from conflicting emotions: when I am heartbroken, when I am afraid and in darkness. Whenever I am unsure, when I feel I do not belong, each time the door of hopes is banged in my face, in my darkest hour, in my moments of joy, when all I want is to fall apart, when I feel alone…I need to know that I can ask…will you be there and the answer will be…Yes. Would I be able to call on your name? The battle belongs to God but I feel like I am fighting on my own. Even my prayer life has never been the same.

It’s like I don’t want to be healed. I want to hold on to that hurt and pain so that I can validate the misery I am feeling. I feel like if I let go of that, I will have nothing else to feel angry, resentful, hateful, and sad about. Mostly I don’t want to let go because I feel if I do, then I will have forgotten her. There’s no logic in that but it’s all I know. It’s time to go. Time for a new beginning; for me, me and me. I need to free myself to the possibilities of love-self-love and romantic love.
I shouldn’t have to fight this battle alone I need help and I am going to ask for it. I need to also move on instead of being stuck in the past memories. What’s gone is gone I need to plant a new seed. Given a choice I would much rather be happy than miserable so I am going to work out being happy on my own. Carrying weights around is rather tiresome and depressing.
Live in Burgundy Moments
Mulunga

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