I’m a mess but my own kind of mess

I want to hate. I want to curse. I want to scream. I want to be angry. I want to cry. How can so many emotions exist in one single soul? Can a heart be able to hold all these in and still beat 364 days in a year, 365 if it is a Leap Year? I just feel hopeless. I look around and I’m exactly where I never wanted to be. See I had a plan, a plan that if it had worked, I’d be retiring and enjoying raising my family, four kids to be precise. Yet here I am sitting on a couch that I bought…paid for it in three installments…now it’s in my cousin’s house where I have moved in, after losing my job. Could it get any worse than this?

Wait, it did, my…was he really mine…he left me and I can console my mind with all the reasons I can think of for someone breaking up with you. But, it’s simple really, the moment I told him I lost my job he disappeared like summer rain in a desert. So this is what it feel like to be reversed a thousand steps backwards when you were just putting your somewhat crappy life in order. Deer in a headlight kind of moment here!
Hurricanes seem to be taunting me. In honesty I feel numb. All those emotions cruelly clawing at my chest just makes you want to feel nothing…nothing at all. Now back to ground zero. I really do not feel like starting over, it’s just a damn cycle that never ends. I start, never finish. I feel like I’m a mess.

I’m everywhere but nowhere with something but nothing. Don’t tell me it’s going to be fine, it never happens. Feel nothing with me and don’t say a word. Built up to be torn down, by fate. Where do you go from here, or where do you start from. I just feel annoyed most of the time. Feeling like the situation never changes, honestly what did I do on my past life that keeps haunting me now? Will it ever be any different or should I just expect that I’m stuck in this limbo, a bottomless pit really. Have you ever felt like you could disappear, close your eyes and everything is quiet. Then you find yourself in an exotic island with a view of the beach, Pina colada in hand with a six packed stud sun screening your back.

Escape. I need an escape even if it’s just in my mind. Somewhere I don’t have to do nothing I want. P perfect world. My perfect space. My Zen garden. My sacred temple. My conscious love. Just my…do you know if such a place exists? Can I make it up and forget. I forget to breath sometimes because breathing just reminds me of things I’ve lost or been taken away from me. Figuring out what or who I want is putting me in a mess.
I know what you may think, you have a roof over your head, family, food, yet why is loneliness questioning my sanity. I need a moment, to dance on the street, head phones on and I forget the world, at least for a while…till Nairobi traffic fades away anyway…

Live in Burgundy Moments






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