After spending Christmas at my grand ma’s place, I was ready to start the new year hoping that this would be the best year in regards to everything…love especially…but when I returned checking the emails humming away happily I stumble upon this simple yet profound mail from him.
Fri, February 1, 2008 1:42:40 PM
Hi howz u hope sawaz b, I know that I keep a distance from u, this day I want to admit that I have to be sincere with u that am not giving u that love that u may need, I LOVE u and am afraid that I might end up hurting u in one way or another, One day u will love to c me happy not sad ,I will also be happy to c u happy let’s take time to rediscover our true self and feelings 4 each other and this does not mean that u get mad at me if need b I will talk to u personally. Lastly u have to know that I love u and never will I want to c u cry, or heartbroken I will b waiting 4 reply God bless and keep safe.
My first reaction was to read it again just to be sure that I was not imagining it. I mean that was the last thing I was expecting to get. I had been to his place and we spent quality time together at least I thought so and now this. Honestly I didn’t know what or how to react. When we were together, sometimes all I wanted was out coz I was beginning to feel as though we were no longer clicking but most of all I felt as though he didn’t love me the way he did. Still … The last time we had seen each other we talked about a lot of stuff including the future for us. He wanted to get serious and was even talking about moving in together. Right then I didn’t consider it as him being serious about it that I even joked that I wanted to be single for ten years then have ten kids, I mean, how can one take that seriously? But he did coz as a result of that he sent the above email. Maybe he thought that I was not serious in the relationship or something.
The truth was I wasn’t really sure about whether he still wanted me or not. We never talked about such stuff; I guess we both just assumed that the other person loved the other. Like he had told me, he hides his feelings and I hated that fact but never really told him so the assumption continued. I can’t say I was thaaaath surprised somehow I saw it coming I mean how do you go about not even spending a lot of time together and we’d go for weeks even months without communicating, and when we did it was strenuous like forced and the conversation could even last for a few seconds.
It was almost like a relief when the conversation ended because there would be uncomfortable silence between us. How did we get to be like that? I wonder. Maybe we just lost the spark that we had and needed that break after all but as much as I had wanted out it still hurt because everyone knows when a guy tells you that they want a break it usually just means that the relationship is over and there was no better way to end things but to tell you to take a break off.
After a lot of contemplating I decided to write back so I wrote to him:
Mon, February 18, 2008 2:09:46 PM
I just read your message and there is no need for me to get mad at you coz you are only being true to yourself and me. I know things have not been easy or as they used to be between us and there are many reasons that have made it that way. The silence has been too much that we have somehow drifted apart in so many ways maybe one day things will change.
Like you said we need to take time to reflect on our feelings so it’s fine with me coz I know we cannot continue this way. I also would not want to hurt you in any way coz I love you too much to let myself hurt you.
You have been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I will always cherish our times together because you are a very important person in my life, you have been and will always continue to be, don’t forget that.
Otherwise I wish you all the best in everything you do. I want you to be happy infact I demand for you 2 be happy and if that means being happy with someone else then that is it.
Bye. But we will be in touch.
I know I should have tried to ask why he had decided to take a break but I didn’t. Maybe it was pride or anger that made me not to try and ask for an explanation. I think it was more of pride like si he’s the one who wants a break ill give it to him! Part of me felt sad and really hurt…my heart, part of me rationalised that I had wanted it to end so it’s good he did it. Either way my eyes misted over just thinking that it was over. There’s no doubt or even a debate as to whether I loved the guy. He was my life I mean, the love of my life. Despite everything else I had felt in between missing him, hating him, being mad at him, being sad, thinking about him and all that, I could see us together, he was my future.
I don’t know but I thought that whatever it was that I was feeling unsure about us I thought it would pass and we would work things out. That was what I was coming to tell him after I came from home. I wanted to tell him that I had thought about it and I was just kidding about the whole being single for ten years. I wanted to be with him start a family. Coz after he had said all that stuff to me about the future I realized maybe I had just been paranoid to think that he was not serious about us. As it turned out he was thinking about our lives together but silly me I just thought he never thought about such things. My mood swings never helped the situation coz I’m sure I drove him crazy with my unpredictable mood swings which were a nightmare especially after her death. As much as I tried to rationalize about things and trying to pin my mood swings to death, nothing was an excuse enough. Maybe I just didn’t fight for my man hard enough.
So he replied back:
Mon, February 18, 2008 2:09:46 PM
Re: halloo back
Thanks 4 ur understanding and I hope that there will come a time when we will talk and we have reasons to b happy have a nice tym and keep on communicating and count on me 4 anything I miss u bye
Mon, February 18, 2008 2:18:41 PM
I’ll never 4get u
YOU are special you made and will always make me meet special people like u and your family so don’t 4get to invite me where u think that we can freely interact with one another lemy remind u that this is not the end of us take good care of yourself especially 4 me let no body cheat you that he can do wonders 4 u I can tell u more but I prefer that I will do it face to face have it grate dear and keep safe.
And that was it just like that I knew things would never be the same us was over. I could feel it in my heart, maybe I should have said something but I didn’t, I wanted to but I felt like I didn’t want it to seem like I was too desperate, this thing called pride, ruins everything. He should know that I’ll always love him, fifty years from now maybe I’ll be telling my grand kids about how I lost the best love I ever had…if I don’t get another love
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